Martes, Hulyo 19, 2011
reminisce: looking back and moving on: Love is...
reminisce: looking back and moving on: Love is...: " Love is... ..."
Love is...
Love is...
...timeless
...always giving, UNCONDITIONALLY
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Remembering my Brothers' Death
July 20, 2008- a seemingly usual and ordinary day. Everyone in the house just keeps doing their own way as usual. Of course, my parents had to go to their work and we were at the house also doing our thing. I was heading my way to school for an activity and we still had a baby sister at that time, so my two brothers dealt with it. One of my brothers went out with some friends to go swimming and he even asked me for a ride so that I can reach the high-way easily knowing that our house was located in a place where not much vehicle passes by. I bid goodbye to him as I moved out, thinking that it was just another ordinary goodbye. I never thought that would be the last, forever.
I enjoyed my school activity so much that afternoon. Our school was competing with other schools, and we won most of the games. Most especially we were the champion in the inter-school quiz bowl. We all screamed for joy, me especially. It was a blast! And then, when I had the time to check my phone, I found out that I had a number of missed calls and text messages coming. I opened each of the messages and I was in a shock, I couldn’t speak for a moment. I rushed home just to find out what really happened, with a little hope that everything was just a joke, that maybe my father learned the art of humor for the first time, or that my cousins were just playing on me the game of who cries first. Crazy thoughts were coming to mind, the last thing I would want to think is my brother in a coffin, but that was the truth, and it was real, very real.
I don’t even know how I reached home, maybe an angel held me just so I won’t be hit by a car or a motorcycle with the little strength that was left in my uneasy body. And then there it was, a bunch of people were there in our house, pieces of white cloth were surrounding the living room, and some candles were lighted. I need not ask questions on what happened but the rest of the people there seemed to be explaining to me things, answering questions I did not ask because maybe I was too weak to ask. They said my brother got drowned while swimming with his friends, others said he was drunk while swimming, and then some said he committed suicide. Whatever way it was, I wanted to believe that he was not that bad and desperate to leave his family full of misery and devastation. I know my brother loved us, I know he was a good person, and he would never do that, ever. Days swiftly passed by, I doubted if I ever got sleep during those days, until that time when we had to bid our last goodbye to him. God, it hurts me every time I remember that day. My tears just would not stop falling, it’s like I have lost all the liquid I had in my body. And when I remember how devastated my family was, my father most especially, it just breaks my heart into pieces. It seemed to me that the world is closing ends on me. But then I had to face it all, I just had to.
My brother could have been 23 years old right now, he could have had a good job, maybe his own family, or just with us…but thinking of all the maybe’s and what if’s would not bring him back. After three short years, it seems to me that he has not really died; maybe I’m just denying the fact that he is. But honestly, it is still painful. When I look at his pictures, I found myself holding back the tears. It’s not that I am afraid of showing others that I cry, but because I have cried hard enough already and I think it wouldn’t help me anymore. All I know is that he will always be a part of me, no matter where I go and what I do.
His death have thought me to be strong, not only for myself, but for family. I learned to cherish the moments of my life and the people in it, realizing that I can lose them at any time I least expect.
Writing all of this takes a lot of courage for me, it opens my heart and my thoughts. I hope he’d be able to read this. Maybe even through it, I could let him know how much he means to me even if I never told him that or even made him feel that I care. All the laughter we shared, the dramas in our family in which we cried together, all the music that we both loved and listened to (bisag metal rock, rasta or alternative rock ka diha), everything about him, I just miss it.
Maybe there’d be no more times like that, but he will forever be in my heart, always.
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